Life Is A Road Trip

The Amazing Adventures of a Zoobroker and a Sentiographer


Buchanan Dam, TX

bars, texasMatt HillComment

So we had this grand idea. It required someplace remote and near water. Buchanan Dam, TX was adjacent to a large lake we thought would be great for this photo project. We first went to Fuzzy's Corner. Douchecock racists at the bar mumbled something I couldn't hear, but Zoo did.

Moved on to dinner at Danny's Country Diner - a solid, family-run place with home cooking.

And then back to Fuzzy's to show the arsewipes that their stupidity was not intimidating. Then, on to the fun...

Turns out this place is mostly for vacationing seniors. Outsiders such as us are not very often seen and much less welcome.

New Orleans - Night 1

bars, girls, on the roadzoobrokerComment

It was a second visit for both of us to Pat O'Briens in New Orleans ...

Humidity fogged Matt's lens ... Voodoo fountain - fire and water.

Pat O'Brien's is famous for its Hurricane ... a fruity concoction of rum, passion fruit, grenadine, lemon and lime ... You'll never catch me outside of NOLA with one of these, but damn, they're good.

We ran into Charity and Drew, and I inadvertently smacked Drew in the head while gesticulating wildly ... oops. Drew was interviewing to teach Social Studies, but lives in Portland. Charity lives in Baton Rouge and came down special to see Drew ... I sensed passion brewing and tried to work the wingman magic ...

What you won't see below is exactly how far Drew got with Charity. You will not of pictures of them making out. You will not see pictures of Charity flashing the bar, and motorboating the shit outta Drew. You will definitely not see a picture of them walking out hand in hand.

Oh, and we got burgers ... Matt's was Peanut Butter and Bacon. Really. Apparently did not suck, cuz it disappeared in about 32 seconds.

Ted the bartender flashing his gang signs ... great guy, great drinks, destroyed us in quarters ... he's a shark.

Above, for our last stop, we ran into Carl at Molly's at the Market .. after 12 shots of rum, 1 shot of jamesons, a shot of tequila and a pimm's cup, it got a little hazy ...

Burn's Alley, Charleston, SC

bars, on the roadzoobrokerComment

You know those vacations that you plan with your friends for weeks ... every strip-club restaurant, every cougar haunt museum, every last detail ... you're doing it wrong. Seriously, just stop planning so much.

Well, I do say, Dr. Suess + William Shakespeare FTW.

When this is the sign for the bar you're walking in, you've done it right.

When this many fake ID's have been confiscated, there's bound to be some jailbait around ... thank you gods of the road trip!

We met Caitlynn (above) at the bar, which was well tended by TJ (below) ... Caitlynn had some spectacular freckles ...

A pretty reasonable cover band (wish we knew their name) gave us some tunes ... notably a passable cover of Radiohead's "Weird Fishes / Arpeggi".

Laughing + Smoking ...

And then, no surprise how the night ended ...

Vegas usually annoys the piss out of me ...

bars, girls, nevada, slappedzoobrokerComment

... seriously. It's full of cheeseball douchebag wanna-be brainless fashion victims. It annoys me so much that normally I go windmill tilting and try to annoy it right back, but that has generally ended badly -- like, my-friend-covered-in-a-third-party's-blood badly -- so I thought, okay, this time I'm going to play nice ... .. apparently, I didn't play nice enough ...


... I really don't get why women take so much pleasure in hurting me, but moving on ... we headed downtown with every intention of shooting some pictures of Fremont, when I saw:


... it screamed "road trip classic", I just knew that this was my bar ...

... minus the tila tequila wanna-be, pictured below ...


... great locals joint. Sexy women, cheap tequila, midget twins ... can you really lose? Well, apparently I can ...


... I guess I offended her by wiping off the copious lipstick ... we did make up after that ...


.. right before her husband, who was there the whole time, made his appearence ... oops .. I guess "I'm here with my girlfriends" means something else in Vegas.

Atoms Rearranged at Rontoms in Portland

bars, girls, oregonMatt Hill1 Comment

We switched streams to another bar, called Rontoms, where Phaux immediately engaged with Matt Brown and discovered Matt's passion for music as ACTUAL indie music label owner.  day_09-58

While Phaux was having a conversation of actual substance, I was pointing at this girl's cleavage.


Not sure what this is all about.  I think I thought her nose was cute.  Maybe.


Her friends pick me up ... this is going well ...


I can't resist looking at the cleavage some more ...


The Carrie Underwood look-alike shows some tongue.


Matt and the cute bartender pose ...


Soy el campion del mundo! I'm wearing  her friend's jacket right now.


The cleavage girl tries to nibble on Phaux's ear.


At this point, Phaux ditched me (and opportunities to photograph me molesting cleavage girl) because the blondes from the Doug Fir showed up and dragged him off to a lesbian dance party. Kelsey shows off her extremely strong thighs, dancing around the bottle of lotion.   Don't ask me, I wasn't there, I don't understand, either.


Cathleen revives dance moves from 1994:


Kelsey rests ... 


Kelsey starts looking at our website on her iPhone.   Phaux suddenly leaves ...


This is "The Tallest Man On Earth".  I saw him open for Two Gallants the day (or was it two days) after Christmas 2008.  He was royally fucked up.  Woo.  Anyway, I am taller than "The Tallest Man On Earth".


The universe exploded at the Doug Fir in Portland, OR

bars, fashion, girls, hotels, on the road, oregon, slappedzoobroker1 Comment

If you read wikipedia as much as I do, you'll know that the tallest tree ever to exist was not a Giant Sequoia, but rather a Douglas-Fir.   After dinner, Phaux pointed us towards this arboronymous bar, in the Jupiter Hotel, which is also a semi-legendary music venue.   day_09-37

Shortly after arriving, three blondes from Seattle engaged us.  Cathleen and Kelsey are pictured below.


Kelsey wanted to look tough, but I explained to her that the back-of-arm-jiggly stuff was not intimidating.


Of course, hilarity ensues.  But not before I point out her little pea-sized head.


We retreated to the warm fire outside ... where we met a musician who was actually rejected from playing at the Hotel Utah.  We will not be mentioning any names here, as she is not worthy.


Phaux snaps some shots of the lovely interior ...




There I am below on the right.  


These girls were obnoxiously not funny or interesting, although they were cute.


Okay, now that we have all the blondes in the picture below, I'll explain ... Shelly (the way too fake-and-bake on the far left) was on her way up to Vancouver.  At the border, the Canadian Border Patrol / RCMP denied Shelly access to their wonderful country.  She claimed it was because she had been convicted of a DUI a couple years prior.  Her friends told me that it was because she exceeded the Canadian limits on peroxide and bronzer.  Anyway, they decided to go to Portland instead and have a "Fuck Canada" party.  Then walks in this poor soul with a Canada t-shirt, who proceeded to get molested by the girls.  I guess they really did want to fuck Canada.


The hipster shows her ink.  Babe, if you don't do some toning exercises, in a few years, that guy is going to be tall and fat.  


Notice the ghostly paleness of the crowd here.  Portland gets approximately 4 days of sun each year, and residents are advised to stay indoors. 


We like cleavage.  Everyone in our corner of the bar was staring at this girl's tata's ...


Why I wore these retardo glasses, I'm not sure. 


Phaux takes a picture of the girl taking a picture ... he says he loves the natural light, but I think he was going for an upskirt shot.


We played throw the butt in the ashtray ... it took me two tries.   Soy el campion del mundo!!!!!!!




Me trying to perform ear-o-lingus.  It didn't work.   But I got thrush in my ear.


Acrylic moose head.  'Nuff said.


More bar shots to close this out ...


Day 6: When You Least Expect It ...

bars, canada, girlsMatt HillComment

It looked like it was going to be a quiet night for us, with most of Banff trying to deal with their St. Patty's Day hangovers. We headed to the Rose and Crown for a pint and some billiards ... The we met Little and Big John, a Scot and an Englishman, respectively, who both live sorta near Birmingham. Shropshire, I think. They kicked our ass in pool. Then we drank some more. Then they kicked our ass some more.

[singlepic id=31 w=500 h=332 float=]

We made it down to the Magpie and Stump (with Little John, Big John went sleepy-bye-byes). Peanut throwing ensued.

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[singlepic id=33 w=500 h=332 float=] [singlepic id=34 w=500 h=332 float=]

John made a new friend. [singlepic id=35 w=500 h=332 float=]

... who felt compelled to pick me up ... and then call me a fat ass. [singlepic id=36 w=500 h=332 float=]

Phaux drank a caesar. Which is like drinking a cappuccino after noon. Caesar are a gross take on a bloody maria, with Clamato (yes, clam juice) instead of tomato juice. [singlepic id=37 w=500 h=332 float=]

John notices Noush, who was pretty hot. [singlepic id=38 w=500 h=332 float=]

Noush's rejection of me (her boyfriend was the bartender) shamed me into passing out. [singlepic id=39 w=500 h=332 float=]

Shots with staff ... [singlepic id=40 w=500 h=332 float=]

Dancing with the waitress ... first me, followed by John almost pulling her arm off. [singlepic id=41 w=500 h=332 float=] [singlepic id=42 w=500 h=332 float=] [singlepic id=43 w=500 h=332 float=] [singlepic id=44 w=500 h=332 float=]

Day 5: Banff Nightlife ... Penetration Achieved

bars, canada, girls, nightlife, slappedzoobrokerComment

When I lived in Banff in 2000, I came to love this place like almost no other place on earth. I remember crying when I left that spring for the last time. Part of it was the girl (Yes, Kaylee, you), part of it was the house (Gus, Guy, Christie, Eric, Krissy, Jane, Margeaux, Julie and, sometimes, Chris), and part of it was how the town brought out smiles and love in everyone who came through, whether or not they were tourists, residents, or temporary workers. Last night brought back those memories ... what a night. Where to start ...

We tried to go to the St. James Gate, but the line was not moving. While we were in line, this cute blonde was smoking behind us, by herself. More on her later.

Instead of waiting in the not-quite-bitter-but-still-scrotum-tightening cold (which makes me wonder, are scrotums and nipples made of the same stuff?), we headed to the Rose and Crown, a faux English pub.


Yes, it's St. Patrick's Day, and we're celebrating it in an English Pub.  Oh Well. Much, much more after the break...


We played pool for a bit ... won our first game, got destroyed the second time around, by Agrologists.  Is that the science of being Agro?


We also talked to the only other non-Asian minorities in Banff.


When the one man show started, we didn't know what to expect. In the end, this guy was funny, talented, and rockin'.


The crowd swelled and we were now in a very warm, very packed bar.


About that time, I noticed a super cute blonde at the turn by the stage.  She was sitting with a slightly less cute friend, AKA the grenade.   I took Phaux out for a cigarette, and explained to him that his duty as a wingman was to fall on the aforementioned grenade.  At this point, we re-evaluated the grenade, and determined that she was in fact a mortar shell.

Anyway, this is Phaux finishing doing the worm to an Irish Jig, in order to impress our targets.  Take that, River Dance!


Shortly thereafter, I did the superman across the laps of our targets.


The mortar shell did not explode on impact, but started ticking.


The girls kiss ... now the question becomes, is this an opportunity for a three-and-a-half-some?


I believe that her arms are thicker than my legs.


This is actually the cute one ...


Using the headband as a prophylactic ... Am I Macguyver or what?



Some other drunk annoying girl tried to enter the mix and was denied.


I got a little too fresh and Leslie revealed that she had a boyfriend.  Ugh.


After I playfully rubbed a dirty bar rag in her face, she returned the favor ...


Followed by straw sillyness ... at this point we've each had a few beers, a couple shots of Jamesons, and about 4 Jagerbombs.  Yikes.



We show off our Rock Band skills ..


Unfortunately, I am not that flexible.


I promised penetration .. and here it is .. full on nostril-rape.




Apparently, the nostril-rape was a big hit ...


That was the last we saw of those two (well, almost ...) ... but after a quick smoke, we ran into the blonde, Haley, who was in line (at the beginning of the post, keep up!).  Her friend with the faux-plastic-barbie look was less memorable.



Phaux found a new object of his affection, Holly, with an H.


Haley goes for the nuzzle.


Then Holly looked like she was going to collapse, so we high tailed it back to our hotel before we got accused of dropping roofies.


When I got back to the hotel, I realized I still had Leslie's ring ... oops.


Awesome night ... thank you gods of the road trip, you came through again.

Day 0 - in and down

bars, girls, nightlifeMatt Hill1 Comment

After a long flight from Newark (flawless), I landed, picked up my rental car without speaking to a human (way cool) and drove up into the city, where Zoo was already partying for hours (dick). Alas, the 5 was blocked, so I had to take my first "side road" and ended up driving up the west side through all the docks and industry. I was groggy from a full days' work and flying, but I made it. At least I didn't get pulled over this time... Anyhoo, I met up with Zoo at Juju in Belltown. Thank heavens for the mapping feature on the iPhone.

Here are the photos, photos, photos... And Zoo will provide commentary below.


So we're talking, heads are getting closer, this is after we've already hit the photo booth ...


Heads getting closer, staring awkwardly.  Why the hell not.  I kiss her.  Her: "I have a girlfriend".  I am unflappable.  I start chewing on her neck. Her: "Don't be an asshole."  Me: "Does that mean stop or continue?"  Hijinks ensue.  




Photo booths + alcohol + candlelight = why nobody trusts their partner.





This one's for you D Lam.

Day 0: Bar Roundup

bars, washingtonzoobrokerComment

Before Phauxtog arrived, I ended up walking around Downtown and Belltown and checked out a few bars ... The Tap Room: 160 beers on tap, heavily skewed towards North America. This is not a place to go to pick up women, but an okay place to catch a game. Had some popcorn shrimp, eh, not bad, not great.

Whiskey Bar: Wanna-be hipster dive (it's hard to be a real dive if you've only been open for 5 years). Awesome Whiskey selection -- they had the Yamazaki. Bartender Christie (or maybe Chrissy?) was cool and friendly. Patrons discussing their baby-momma, scoffing at homeless people, Spanish speaking people, and other relatively retarded conversation.

Casablanca: How can a bar in a city be totally dead on a Thursday night. Lame.

Shorty's: Now we're getting there. Hipster bar that Melissa B took me to in after our "meeting" in January '06. Pinball, Hamm's, cute patrons. Good place to throw back a few.

Juju: I stepped outside of Shorty's and ran into Mantero, a psuedo-homeless guy who pointed me at Uma and Amanda (pictures of the latter to follow). I actually left my beer at Shorty's to join the rubicund Uma and sort of contrarian Amanda. The drinks were top notch, muddled lime gimlet was just about perfect. Sort of felt like Elixir North.