Life Is A Road Trip

The Amazing Adventures of a Zoobroker and a Sentiographer


Vegas usually annoys the piss out of me ...

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... seriously. It's full of cheeseball douchebag wanna-be brainless fashion victims. It annoys me so much that normally I go windmill tilting and try to annoy it right back, but that has generally ended badly -- like, my-friend-covered-in-a-third-party's-blood badly -- so I thought, okay, this time I'm going to play nice ... .. apparently, I didn't play nice enough ...


... I really don't get why women take so much pleasure in hurting me, but moving on ... we headed downtown with every intention of shooting some pictures of Fremont, when I saw:


... it screamed "road trip classic", I just knew that this was my bar ...

... minus the tila tequila wanna-be, pictured below ...


... great locals joint. Sexy women, cheap tequila, midget twins ... can you really lose? Well, apparently I can ...


... I guess I offended her by wiping off the copious lipstick ... we did make up after that ...


.. right before her husband, who was there the whole time, made his appearence ... oops .. I guess "I'm here with my girlfriends" means something else in Vegas.

The universe exploded at the Doug Fir in Portland, OR

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If you read wikipedia as much as I do, you'll know that the tallest tree ever to exist was not a Giant Sequoia, but rather a Douglas-Fir.   After dinner, Phaux pointed us towards this arboronymous bar, in the Jupiter Hotel, which is also a semi-legendary music venue.   day_09-37

Shortly after arriving, three blondes from Seattle engaged us.  Cathleen and Kelsey are pictured below.


Kelsey wanted to look tough, but I explained to her that the back-of-arm-jiggly stuff was not intimidating.


Of course, hilarity ensues.  But not before I point out her little pea-sized head.


We retreated to the warm fire outside ... where we met a musician who was actually rejected from playing at the Hotel Utah.  We will not be mentioning any names here, as she is not worthy.


Phaux snaps some shots of the lovely interior ...




There I am below on the right.  


These girls were obnoxiously not funny or interesting, although they were cute.


Okay, now that we have all the blondes in the picture below, I'll explain ... Shelly (the way too fake-and-bake on the far left) was on her way up to Vancouver.  At the border, the Canadian Border Patrol / RCMP denied Shelly access to their wonderful country.  She claimed it was because she had been convicted of a DUI a couple years prior.  Her friends told me that it was because she exceeded the Canadian limits on peroxide and bronzer.  Anyway, they decided to go to Portland instead and have a "Fuck Canada" party.  Then walks in this poor soul with a Canada t-shirt, who proceeded to get molested by the girls.  I guess they really did want to fuck Canada.


The hipster shows her ink.  Babe, if you don't do some toning exercises, in a few years, that guy is going to be tall and fat.  


Notice the ghostly paleness of the crowd here.  Portland gets approximately 4 days of sun each year, and residents are advised to stay indoors. 


We like cleavage.  Everyone in our corner of the bar was staring at this girl's tata's ...


Why I wore these retardo glasses, I'm not sure. 


Phaux takes a picture of the girl taking a picture ... he says he loves the natural light, but I think he was going for an upskirt shot.


We played throw the butt in the ashtray ... it took me two tries.   Soy el campion del mundo!!!!!!!




Me trying to perform ear-o-lingus.  It didn't work.   But I got thrush in my ear.


Acrylic moose head.  'Nuff said.


More bar shots to close this out ...


Day 5: Banff Nightlife ... Penetration Achieved

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When I lived in Banff in 2000, I came to love this place like almost no other place on earth. I remember crying when I left that spring for the last time. Part of it was the girl (Yes, Kaylee, you), part of it was the house (Gus, Guy, Christie, Eric, Krissy, Jane, Margeaux, Julie and, sometimes, Chris), and part of it was how the town brought out smiles and love in everyone who came through, whether or not they were tourists, residents, or temporary workers. Last night brought back those memories ... what a night. Where to start ...

We tried to go to the St. James Gate, but the line was not moving. While we were in line, this cute blonde was smoking behind us, by herself. More on her later.

Instead of waiting in the not-quite-bitter-but-still-scrotum-tightening cold (which makes me wonder, are scrotums and nipples made of the same stuff?), we headed to the Rose and Crown, a faux English pub.


Yes, it's St. Patrick's Day, and we're celebrating it in an English Pub.  Oh Well. Much, much more after the break...


We played pool for a bit ... won our first game, got destroyed the second time around, by Agrologists.  Is that the science of being Agro?


We also talked to the only other non-Asian minorities in Banff.


When the one man show started, we didn't know what to expect. In the end, this guy was funny, talented, and rockin'.


The crowd swelled and we were now in a very warm, very packed bar.


About that time, I noticed a super cute blonde at the turn by the stage.  She was sitting with a slightly less cute friend, AKA the grenade.   I took Phaux out for a cigarette, and explained to him that his duty as a wingman was to fall on the aforementioned grenade.  At this point, we re-evaluated the grenade, and determined that she was in fact a mortar shell.

Anyway, this is Phaux finishing doing the worm to an Irish Jig, in order to impress our targets.  Take that, River Dance!


Shortly thereafter, I did the superman across the laps of our targets.


The mortar shell did not explode on impact, but started ticking.


The girls kiss ... now the question becomes, is this an opportunity for a three-and-a-half-some?


I believe that her arms are thicker than my legs.


This is actually the cute one ...


Using the headband as a prophylactic ... Am I Macguyver or what?



Some other drunk annoying girl tried to enter the mix and was denied.


I got a little too fresh and Leslie revealed that she had a boyfriend.  Ugh.


After I playfully rubbed a dirty bar rag in her face, she returned the favor ...


Followed by straw sillyness ... at this point we've each had a few beers, a couple shots of Jamesons, and about 4 Jagerbombs.  Yikes.



We show off our Rock Band skills ..


Unfortunately, I am not that flexible.


I promised penetration .. and here it is .. full on nostril-rape.




Apparently, the nostril-rape was a big hit ...


That was the last we saw of those two (well, almost ...) ... but after a quick smoke, we ran into the blonde, Haley, who was in line (at the beginning of the post, keep up!).  Her friend with the faux-plastic-barbie look was less memorable.



Phaux found a new object of his affection, Holly, with an H.


Haley goes for the nuzzle.


Then Holly looked like she was going to collapse, so we high tailed it back to our hotel before we got accused of dropping roofies.


When I got back to the hotel, I realized I still had Leslie's ring ... oops.


Awesome night ... thank you gods of the road trip, you came through again.